My brain and I have these conversations every day where it pretends to have sense and knows what it is doing and I play dumb and watch it like “Dude you are mine, chill.”
Sometimes, we get mad at each other so I detach and have to say things out to process them better as there is too much noise inside__which is like every day. So this is one of those things I'm writing down to process.
I wanted to title today's letter “Hauwa called me chaotic” but I decided it would look like a clickbait which was the intention actually (my brain said so).
I had a drop in the number of people that read my letters and I felt like I was just a boring girl disturbing good people who read what I write. (it's just a feeling, I know the truth)
So my brain said a clickbait is just what I need to get more people to think that I'm the next best thing after fried plantain. So that they will be waiting by their phone every Sunday night for my letter to drop like hot jollof.
But I decided against this and came to confess as the good girl that I am.
Me: 1.
My brain: 0.
My brain asked me some questions days ago when I checked my susbtack stats and saw that it was dropping.
I promised myself I wouldn't put up an exclusive or paid wall for this newsletter so the joy I get is when people that read my letters are growing instead of dropping.
They said to be consistent and it seems like the more I try to be consistent with this, the more I bore people to death. Of course, this may not be the case but I don't know what is so…
My brain said,
“Who the hell do you think you are that people should read what you write?”
“Have you given them a reason to?”
I didn't answer those questions because while I may not be the best writer on earth(which doesn't exist), I am great at this.
So I respected myself and decided that the best way to be a writer is to continue writing.
I won't let the voices talk down on my craft because stats dropped. You are reading it so yeah! I'm happy. Thank you.
Me: 1.
My brain: 0
Where exactly is today's letter going?
Phew! Let's take a step back. In March last year, Hauwa wrote this letter where she was saying how difficult it was to live alone.
In Hauwa’s reply, she called me chaotic. My brain did some overthinking. I didn't know whether it was a good thing or not.
But a few days back I went back to that response and realised that it was…the truth.
I have been telling myself some truths recently and yeah “I am chaotic in a very beautiful way” …because how did I put all that different information together in one moment?
If we are close and I send you voice notes on WhatsApp, where you have to endure the torture of listening to my croaky voice for a minute, two, or five if it's some juicy gossip, then you get it.
I can talk about a million different things that by the time you are done listening you would have forgotten the first thing I said. (So the best bet is to reply while you listen.)
To be honest, at the time of sending that reply to Hauwa, I wanted to leave alone. I was tired of not having my space.
The great news?
I now have a place of my own!
But with it came plenty shege.
My neighbours probably think I am mad.
See ehee, the number one thing about living alone is madness not having someone to talk to.
Naturally, I talk to myself but staying alone, I talk to myself more and talk to things. I talk when I'm in the kitchen, on my bed, working, writing…
Except when friends call me and we gist, I am constantly holed up in my room, alone with nobody to talk to.
It's tough, this life. Nothing beats having people talking with you face-to-face. But I do not enjoy that luxury every day except when friends come around.
So I'm scared my neighbours may hear me talking to myself and ask “Is she alright?” In that Nigerian way, that means hope she is not mad.
I want a soft life, not this one where I pay for everything.
God abeg…
Since I paid rent for this place, it has been from one debit alert to another. Sometimes I look at my monthly spending and sigh because what I earn from my work cannot even permit me to spend like that.
But somehow magic is happening and I'm spending on a mattress, furniture, fan and other numerous things that you didn't know would cost an arm and a leg.
Sometimes you have to spend on unbudgeted expenses. The other day my gas ran out while I was cooking without giving me notice. I had to borrow money to fill it up because…
Seems like the soft life I want is still a bit far from me.
Can I go home to take foodstuffs?
Why is food not free?
One of the things I spend my money on mostly is food. Guy! With inflation, foodstuffs are so expensive.
If you want to practice healthy living like me, go price vegetables and fruits and you will remind yourself that bread and golden morn is not that bad after all.
Well, I do wish we were still in school when we could go home and get small foodstuffs. But Thanks to my brother who sent me a large quantity of rice and garri from home😘.
Now all I do is eat rice. Lmao…
Reflection upon reflection
My thoughts are after my life
Since living alone, I reflect more. I have nobody to talk to other than myself.
In living alone, I am forced to have honest conversations with myself. So my brain is always waiting to remind me how unsatisfied I am with my life.
What else is there to do aside from thinking?
I am always thinking of my life and how I want it to be better. If I were living with people, I may probably not have had space to think at all.
I love and hate this life
But I will still choose it…
I wait till I'm shaking sometimes to rush to the kitchen and hunt for food. In this lonely life, cooking and doing the dishes are on you.
The aroma of food floating through your nostrils doesn't wake you up. The churning in your stomach does.
Living alone is taking care of yourself and your needs. It is you nursing yourself back from a malaria attack. It is you doing all the house chores alone.
But I love this life and I'm grateful for it.
I enjoy that I have my space so I can wake up by 2:00 am and play soft music while I write.
I love that I can decide to play loud music and sing along without inconveniencing anyone.
I love that I can record my videos anytime I want, stay up late on long calls, laugh out loud and lie down anyhow I want without disturbing others.
I also hate it sometimes; two truths can co-exist, right?
But I also hate loneliness. I hate the no-splitting-bills-with-anybody. I hate that I think about my life constantly more than I should.
I do hope I go out more in the coming months. I would love to meet people, talk and gist.
But for now, my house is like my sanctuary and I love it! (and hate it still)
In all this, I am grateful that this stage of life was once a prayer point. I am grateful to have this space and call it mine. Last year I was responding to Hauwa's letter on how much I long for this and now it's here.
Tell me, do you live alone? What's your greatest challenge? How do you cope?
Do you want to live alone? What do you hope for when you start living alone?
Till I write to you again…
With love and everything beautiful,
Chinonyelum
PS: I have no media to share this week. I had the most trying week of my life since this year and was mentally stressed a lot.
So next week I will continue to share the podcasts, and newsletters that I read plus images.
So relatable. Living alone comes with a lot.. but in the end, your space is your space and you just appreciate it.. most times.