I recently told my friend that I wanted to enter an essay competition and I wanted to win. The title is something that speaks to my soul. But I was scared that I wouldn’t win
.
The “bad” voice in my head asked, “What made you think you can enter and win this competition?”
“Do you think you can do this?”
“Who are you to want to win?”
So I told my friend about it and let my intrusive thoughts out. I said something like “I want to win this competition and I know I am delusional…”
She interrupted and said “Those people that are entering the competition are they delusional too?
That was the confirmation I needed to start writing an essay for that competition. I may or may not win but it won't be for lack of not trying.
Am I like this every time? No. I’m a very smart person. But as a human who struggles with imposter syndrome I sometimes feel that I am not worthy of things. I feel like it is not enough that I need to do more to get that.
Where does/has this feeling of unworthiness lead to?
Unworthiness leads to two contradictory things for me. To give a little background, as humans we have so many thoughts and feelings. We have different moods.
Not doing things because we are not good enough
I have some great ideas that I should have implemented to make my life better. I hate that I am broke when I know so much.
Unworthiness is why I have so many unfinished drafts in my drive folders. It is why I rarely enter for competitions, send out my writings for publications, or share my stories.
There are a lot of things I started but never finished because I asked “Who am I to do this?” and wasn’t satisfied with the answers the girl in the mirror gave me. Texts that I started but asked who am I to do this and I stopped.
I am afraid of failure. My mindset sometimes would be to not try than to try aand fail especially my writings hence I dont share my work. My failures and shortomings prove one thing: I am not worthy.
While people around me say that I am doing well, I know I have great potentials to do more if I didn’t feel unworthy.
“I found that by living with the belief that I’m not enough, every failure, every shortcoming, every disagreement, every misstep, every critique and every adversity became evidence that I am, in fact, not enough. I’m not alone. So much of the behaviour we witness in Western culture seems to be super-charged by this deep-seated belief that we aren’t worthy BUT—that with enough money, enough body, enough house, enough followers and enough achievement—we one day can be worthy.”
Cole Schafer.
Doing things just to prove to others that you are worthy.
Coming from a small town in the east from a state where others in the East see as backward, primitive people, I have always felt I had to prove myself. My people are used as an example when talking about primitive or bad behaviour.
I have always felt I was not enough and have to work extra hard to prove that we are not primitive, that we have schools and write with paper not carve letters on stones, that we have good roads and electricity not only footpaths and DIY lanterns, that we have houses made of cement and not thatch roofs, that we have professors and farmers alike, rich and poor, just like every other place.
I have to prove that I do not have to climb the tree to get network to share this letter. I have always wanted to prove to myself and others that I can do it, that I too can shatter the glass ceilings.
And after reading what Cole Schafer said above, I have realised that some of my efforts are born from the deep-seated feeling of unworthiness.
You don’t speak like an Abakaliki person is not a compliment.
You are too beautiful to come from Ebonyi
You are too smart to be nwa Abakaliki
Do you feel unworthy?
I am always wondering if people are truly happy, are we all just wearing a charade and masking our pains? Are we all just playing for the gram and creating happy contents just to prove that our life is great.
Every social media platform is filled with the cliché lifestyle content of people refurbishing their house, attending parties, playing dress up and showing the price of things they wear.
Are all these borne from the feeling of unworthiness? Are we trying to feel worthy by chasing after achievements and things? What are we exactly trying to prove? That we are worthy?
I have come to the conclusion that some people are genuinely enjoying life, accepting everything they deserve because they know they are worthy and there are others who keep pursing things to satisfy the deep feeling of unworthiness.
We are afraid of our flaws. We don't want to accept that we are not perfect. But I think that acceptance makes things easier.
We need to embrace our flaws, our weaknesses, our pains, our joys, our suffering, our insecurities, our challenges, our wins, our achievements.
To be whole is to not be perfect. It is having some parts smooth and some rough. It is letting the smooth parts smooth the rough parts.
It is understanding that perfection is an illusion. There will always be something to change, to amend, to correct.
Accept who you are, the way you are, accept your body, your big or small ass, your tall or short height, or you flat or pointed nose, your small or big breast, your small or broad chest.
Your body doesn't define your worth, neither do your achievements.
You are worthy of everything beautiful because you are a human being. Those who have it don't have two heads.
To be perfect is to accept that you are worthy of every good thing of life, that you don’t deserve that win less than the next person.
It is to accept that losses are also part of life and it doesn’t mean that the person who won is worthier than you. No. Its just life with its uncertainties.
So believe in yourself. This year I am showing up as my best self. I am doing some main character sh*t and securing the bag because I am worthy of everything beautiful.
You should do the same too. When the voice in your head wants to make you feel less or call you delusional tell it that yes, you will do them in that delusional state.
Continue to shine! Cheers to your continued growth and a fulfilled life
What I read this week
I have three books I started this year and haven't finished any of them. This month is not my reading month. I do hope to wrap them up by next week.
Pictures of the week
Picture 1: I don't know whether to laugh or cry but the accuracy of the tweet in this picture 🤣
Picture 2: My brain dey always overthink 🤣
With love and everything beautiful,
Chinonyelum
I just really loved this!
Thank you so much for sharing this